#metoo

Over the past couple of weeks, my newsfeeds have been filled with victims of sexual assault and harassment speaking out against their perpetrator.  Accompanying these posts are always comments that question "why now" or "they should've known better" or "they get paid enough to deal with this."  The list goes on.  You know what I'm talking about.  Click on the comments of any post addressing this story and you'll find yourself falling down a rabbit hole varying from blatant denial to heartwrenching empathy and similar personal experiences. 

I applaud these women.  Sexual assault is heartwrenching and soul-crushing.  If allowed, it can obliterate your self-confidence and identity.  Even writing these words fails to adequately describe the mental, emotional and yes, even physical pain it causes even years after the assault.  

There is a pervasive feeling of shame that attaches itself to memories of sexual abuse, assault and even harassment born from a rape culture that automatically holds victims accountable that needs to stop.  At 16, I felt responsible for an assault that occurred before I was even understood what sexual assault was.  

The way we talk about sexual assault and harassment matters.

Somehow, because this happened I felt less worthy, tarnished and somehow unfit to be or do anything.  On top of all of this, there is an attitude that if you are sexually abused, you will become a sexual abuser.  I've even had a friend voice her concern over allowing her children to play with cousins who she knew were sexually abused because she was concerned that they would turn around and abuse her kids. 

And we wonder why only 33% of sexual abuse and assault victims come forward.

Proving that "it" happened is emotionally, physically and mentally draining and more often than not has long-lasting harmful effects.  There is a risk of facing your abuser in court, only to lose.  In fact, only 2% of rapists serve a day in prison. There is a fear of speaking about your assault and naming the perpetrator because you could technically be sued for defamation.  There is a guilt associated with being the person to speak up about what happened and be a catalyst to potentially ripping a family apart.  There is a heart-wrenching realization that you may never get your version of justice because you remembered what happened too late because of the statute of limitations. 

Your personal experience of assault and healing becomes a fable whose moral is all the things you should've done differently to prevent being sexually assaulted.

When you are a survivor of sexual assault, it feels as though you are caged in by society; to be seen and not heard, and brought out only as a warning to other women.  Your personal experience of assault and healing becomes a fable whose moral is all the things you should've done differently to prevent being sexually assaulted. How we talk about sexual assault matters.  

Recovering from sexual assault can take a lifetime.  It can be physically painful and there are emotional and mental repercussions.  Victims of sexual assault face mental health challenges of depression, anxiety, PTSD, personality disruptions, attachment disruptions, addiction, and triggers. That's just a general list.  Speaking as a sexual assault survivor —I don't need your judgment or false assumptions.  I need understanding, love and compassion.  Save your disgust, indignation and negative feelings for my abuser and the societal disease that's made victim blaming okay and protecting abusers an accepted norm.  

We can do better.

When I tell you I was so brutally sexually assaulted as a child that it's resulted in scar tissue that hinders my ability to conceive and carry healthy pregnancies to term, believe me.  When you see me struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and triggers, love me.  When you learn that I am a survivor of sexual abuse, don't assume that I'll turn around and sexually abuse your children.  Learn to give sexual assault survivors the same benefit of doubt society gives abusers and surround them with love, compassion, and freedom to share their story without judgment.  

I want to create a better world for my daughter.  For her sake, and for the sake of the little girls and boys everywhere — We can do better.  We know there's a problem. If the #metoo campaign did anything it made it blatantly obvious.  Change takes time, but for now, might I suggest we show love to others regardless of who they are or what they've been through.  May we show our children the value of compassion, respect and that no means no.  Most importantly, teach our children that it is more than just okay to tell someone if something isn't right and not be fearful to do so. 
References:

1. Child sexual abuse statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6143427/k.38C5/Child_Sexual_Abuse_Statistics.htm
2. Child sexual abuse statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics
3. Reporting rates. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system   

  

Impatiently Waiting

Today,  I found myself googling Reproductive Endocrinologists.  Let's be honest here.  Three years ago I didn't even know what that was.  Definitely going on the list of things I never thought I'd do.

When Mike and I first started getting tested after a year of trying, we were fairly private about it.  Both of us were embarrassed, or ashamed that we needed help to do something that even teenagers can manage without really trying.  We had no idea what to expect, we over googled every symptom and were constantly scratching our heads in confusion.  Getting pregnant with Lucy was a miracle - a baffling miracle that to this day we don't understand what worked.  

Now that I know what to expect, I'm bloody terrified.  My first test infertility related was an HSG.  Guys - full disclosure, I hadn't even ever had a pap smear before.  Traumatizing?  Yup.  Ultimately, the test wasn't even conclusive.   I used to be terrified of getting blood drawn.  It made me feel sick to watch the blood leave my body through a tiny needle while the nurse created a large stack of viles for different tests.  Now?  I'm apathetic about it.  It's not pleasant but it has to get done.

In the past month Mike got a teaching job in a small northern Alberta town and we decided to take the plunge and move.  Just as we were about to start the testing process with our new specialist in Edmonton, we had to uproot everything and ultimately decided to take a short break from TTC baby #2.  Meanwhile, life, as it should, has continued propelling forward for everyone.

I'm going to share something that I've struggled to piece together myself.  I've been afraid of what people may think of me, or how it may look from the outside looking in.  I've talked to my therapist several times about this (yes, I have a therapist) and as I've tried to find meaning in the heartbreak of infertility and its causes in my life I feel as though I have to share.

Finding out you're expecting a baby is probably one of the most exciting and life-changing events ever.  Suddenly how you see your future includes another person who you're actually growing (women are amazing).  Your life stops being about you and starts being about this precious baby.  When Mike and I found out we were finally expecting a baby, we were overjoyed.  There was hysterical laughter, crying, prayer and then an instant worry about her well-being all in one.  We immediately started to think of ways to share with our friends and family the amazing news.  We made a video and took a picture of a positive test with children's books I'd been collecting and scrabble tiles.  It was so exciting to share.  Our announcement, however well intended and planned out, was probably like a knife to the heart of those stuck in an endless loop of TTC, thanks to infertility.

Let me explain.

The moment Mike and I decided to take a break from trying while we moved and got settled, there were 10 pregnancy announcements just among my circle of social media friends.  Some of them I know have been battling infertility and hearing the news genuinely made me feel relief for them and joy.  Some of them were very recently married and were able to conceive before even learning about what infertility feels like.  Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't wish infertility on my enemies.

I spent the first week that Mike was in High Prairie cooped up in my room.  While Lucy napped, I wept.  I cried over all the negative pregnancy tests accumulated this year, my infertility diagnoses and the unfairness of it all.  When I see a pregnancy announcement - I'm so incredibly happy for the couple.  I am also heartbroken, jealous and tired of waiting for the day that we can announce another pregnancy. It is possible to feel all those things at once.  To quote Hermione Granger, I do not have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.

Waiting is a sharp companion to infertility that creates deep wounds to the soul.  So deep, that they are difficult to articulate and demonstrate to those who have never fallen into its grasp.  When you see others get what you've been waiting so desperately for, seemingly immediately those wounds get ripped open over and over again.

To all the couples out there who may have seen a pregnancy announcement right after getting bad news from your specialist - I am so sorry.  I understand the two-sided emotional coin you're trying to comprehend and feel.  It's okay to feel both negative and positive emotions at the same time.  It's okay to cry.  Just remember that you're not alone and you are so loved.

To the mom-in-waiting who just got a negative pregnancy test after your best friend confided that she was expecting - I understand.  It's okay to cry and question why this is happening to you and be overjoyed for your best friend who recently had a miscarriage and is finally expecting her rainbow baby. You're not alone. Remember that it's okay to feel sad and happy at the same time.

For a while, I found myself getting caught in an endless feedback loop where I would be devasted with jealousy, angry and sad.  I couldn't stop questioning why me, or why them.  Recently, I've tried to remember that I don't what the couple had to go through to get a positive pregnancy test.  Have they been trying for years? I don't know.  Have they had miscarriages? I don't know.  You never know and it's important to keep that in mind.

It's still okay to feel happy and sad about a pregnancy announcement.

So, if I don't like your announcement on facebook and instagram, know that it's not because I'm not so happy for you and so in love with your growing family.  I am.  I am thrilled and heartbroken. If you have a best friend or family member who doesn't like or comment, know that it is not because they are angry with you or unhappy for you.

We are impatiently waiting, sad and happy.

12 Months

Little Miss Lucy is ONE YEAR OLD.

I just need to stop and absorb that information.  I was always told by other parents that they grow so fast, but I didn't believe them...I mean it takes a while for a human to grow right?  Wrong.  I can't believe we have a one year old on our hands.

It's so crazy to me to think that Lucy joined our family just a year ago.  We love her spunkiness, how she's (still) obsessed with Moana, and can only sleep with Bunny.  She's gotten so big and independent.  Goodness.

In honour of Miss Lucy's Birthday, we (of course) took some photos.  Enjoy Friends!

And last but not least...Lucy's first year:

Thank you for making us parents sweet girl.

Street Performer's Festival

Mike and I accidentally stumbled across this festival at Churchill Square a few years ago and we've been going back ever since.  It was interesting this time around with Lucy, but she actually, for the most part, enjoyed and watched the different performers.

We definitely have plans to go next year!  Here are some photos of our adventures.

Coaldale Vacay

When the summer heat finally settles in, I love going down south to visit family.  There are a lot of perks, namely my mom's air conditioning, beautiful backyard and the community pool.  It isn't nearly as crowded as the Edmonton pools (especially since it's free admission now) and it's infinitely cheaper.

Lucy and I visited Great Grandma, Nana, her cousins and aunts and uncles for the week leading up to Canada Day and we had a blast! A picture is worth a thousand words, so here are the few photos I snapped while we were there.

 A visit to Coaldale wouldn't be complete without pool time!

We celebrated Grandma's 83rd birthday with a BBQ and lotsa cake!

Canada Day was spent hanging out with family, eating lotsa food, going to a BBQ and lounging around.  On the way home we stopped at Head Smashed in Buffalo Jump - because apparently living in Alberta as long as I have and not having been there warrants a detour.  :)

11 Months Old

Little Miss Lucy is 11 months old!

If I thought her personality was just coming out before, it's out in full swing now.  She's independent. stubborn and a momma's girl to the extreme.  Her favourite toys are Bunny (this will never change), and more recently balls.  Seriously.  The girl could live in a ball pit if she could.

Miss Lucy has four teeth on the bottom and three on the top with one starting to poke its way through.  Her favourite hair style at the moment is pigtails or the cindy-lou-who side pony.  She's starting to stand on her own and crawls like there is no tomorrow.  We love our little Lucy girl and CAN'T believe she'll be turning one next month!!

Father's Day

Lucy just loves her daddy.  She gets cranky around 4 when daddy usually gets home and waits by the door for him.  When he gets him she's all smiles and giggles.

Mike is the best daddy for Lucy and loves her to bits.  Lucy and I had so much fun today showering him with love!  Also - Lucy is basically a mini Mike (they're both natural blues).