Blessings of the Temple

Shortly before Lucy was born, Mike and I made a goal to attend the Temple once a month.  If you'd like to learn more about Temples - click here. With our new goal in mind, we visited the Temple, and then the next month I was in and out of the hospital with gallbladder attacks and the next month I was induced.  We didn't feel like we had time to visit the Temple, or we didn't make time.  Then we had a newborn. We were able to attend again shortly after Lucy was born, but didn't stick to it consistently.

There seems to always be an excuse as to why we can't visit the Temple.  We talk about the importance of going to the Temple in almost every lesson we participate in, teach or every talk we hear on Sunday.  In fact, every time we'd have an appointment with our Bishop he always urged us to attend the Temple.

In April, Mike and I decided to take up our once a month visit to the Temple goal.  It was hard.  There were so many reasons why we should've stayed home with Lucy.  She was teething, we had to get up early the next day, who would watch her for us, we can't afford a babysitter, we won't get there on time because of traffic AND my personal favourite - we had a fight right as we were getting ready to go. But, we made it.

Since then, Mike and I have been able to visit the Temple once a month for three months in a row.  Even though it's only been three months, I can't count the blessings we've received because of it.  I know it sounds like a super general, Sunday school answer - if you go to the Temple you'll be blessed - but it's true.

This time last year, Mike had no idea where he was going to work in the Fall.  I was pregnant, hormonal, in and out of the hospital with gallbladder attacks and an emotional basket case.  The stress and anxiety of not having any income was a lot.  This year, Mike doesn't know where he'll be teaching, but both of us can see the Lord's hand in his professional career and know that things will work out.

Infertility is our constant ghostly companion.  For those of you who have experienced the weight of infertility - you know how hope crushing it can be.  I won't get into specifics in this post, but you can read my post on our infertility journey here.  Every time I go to the Temple, I feel so inspired and comforted about our situation.  It's still hard.  I still cry (a lot guys, I cry a lot), but I know deep down in my soul that our children are waiting in the spirit world and are so excited to be held in our arms.  I don't know when, or how, but there have been so many times where I've felt so deeply that there is a baby coming.  In times when it seems that all I have left is despair, the Temple ignites a bright hope that is about to buoy my spirit.

Attending the Temple together has strengthened our marriage.  Mike and I have had to face a lot of big things together that might tear other couples apart.  By going to the Temple together and sharing sacred ordinances, service and the spirit of Christ we've been able to come closer together.  As we both strengthen our testimony in the Saviour and draw nearer to him, we also draw nearer to each other.

Our life isn't perfect, or easy.  Our trials haven't melted away to nothing.  We stress over finances.  I still cry when I go through Lucy's newborn clothes, wondering if I'll ever hold another little baby of my own.  We still argue.  Going to the Temple hasn't erased all of our problems, but it has armed us with the knowledge of how deeply our Heavenly Father loves us and how far Satan will go to undermine that knowledge.  By opening up to our Heavenly Father in the Temple, we've been able to see a shower of heavenly blessings around us - big and small.

I urge everyone and anyone reading this to go to the Temple.  Make it a priority.  It'll probably be easier not to go, but do it anyways.  Over the past three months, the way I view the Temple has dramatically changed.  It isn't just a beautiful building that we're obligated to attend or avert eye contact when someone challenges or asks you to attend during a lesson or interview.  Yes, Temples are beautiful buildings.  However, their physical appearance pales in comparison to the strength of the spirit which resides inside.  I feel so blessed to live in the same city as a Temple and even more so for the opportunity, I have to visit regularly.  I know these things to be true, and I double dare you to test them out for yourself.

10 Months Old!

Whelp.  We've hit the double digits.  It's so hard to believe Lucy joined us 10 months ago.  It seems like she's always been part of our family. 

Lucy has become SUPER independent this month.  SUPER.  If she sees something and decides she wants it, she'll take off after it.  She's mastered the crawling thing and the pulling herself up using furniture to stand thing.  It's scary how mobile she is.  Our house has never looked so well loved before. Lucy is a stubborn spitfire.

She loves watching Moana and Trolls.  If there are any stuffed animals on the floor when she's playing she'll lay on top of them, hug it with one arm and suck on her other thumb.  (It's freaking adorable).  She won't sleep without her stuffed bunny and she has turned into a momma's girl.  Speaking of, she FINALLY said momma.  How gratifying.

Lucy now has THREE teeth on the bottom.  Still none on the top but her life is a perpetual state of teething.

We love our little Lucy...and enjoy how she's transformed our lives into Loo-Loo-Land.

The Husband Letters: Reflection #3

I love a good adventure.

There is a part of me that thrives on spontaneity. There is nothing like just picking up and taking off at a drop of a dime. I understand the importance of having a plan, but sometimes not knowing what will happen and taking it one step at a time is just refreshing and exciting. Trying new things and doing the unexpected is very exhilarating. There are so many things to stress and worry about, that is why I have to embrace every care-free moment I can get.

One of the best adventures of my life took place at the end of my last semester of university. By this point, Kirsten and I were engaged with three months to go before we tied the knot. We had also spent a lot of time apart from each other as I had just completed my final practicum for my degree which separated us for two months prior.

The month of May consisted of taking a quick spring session to get those last pesky credits to graduate and then the rest of the summer was ours to enjoy. Kirsten was nannying, while I took those last few courses. She was living with her Grandmother and I was living with a bunch of guys off campus. We were finally in the same city and we spent almost every evening together.

You know how I told you how much I love living for the moment? Well, that doesn't usually fly for Kirsten. She is a planner through and through, where I am not. I used to think I was fairly organised. I have learned to stand corrected here. I am, in no way, an organised individual. And much like my indecisiveness, my organisation has become worse the older I get. That being said, I may not be very orderly, but I can find almost anything if it goes missing. Where Kirsten is very structured but has this little ability to 'misplace' items quite a bit. As you can see, we are perfect for each other.

Here is where I get a little blurry on the exact details. Kirsten and I were planning our summer, I had started my last term and Kirsten was nannying up a storm. We were getting married near the end of August in southern Alberta, but other than that our summer was pretty much open. Then Kirsten, I believe, came up with this wild idea to drive out to Nanaimo, British Columbia. Kirsten grew up on the island, and we had just gotten engaged there in December. I love the west coast and have great memories of the island and the ocean. I honestly couldn't think of any better way to spend our summer together.

Now, this wasn't a drop of a hat adventure. Yes, it was spontaneous; but, there was some planning that had to go into it. When do we leave? Who's car would we take? Do we have everything we need for the wedding ready for August? How much will it cost? What about summer work? What about work for the fall? Where will we live come August? Ugh! It's making me stressed out just thinking about it after all these years. To say the least, we had somewhat of a plan and we were going through with it ready or not. We would stay with her parents and be watching our nieces and nephews for the summer... and that is about as far as we got with that. I was looking forward to this trip quite a bit. In a way, it was celebratory of me finishing my undergraduate degree. It was also the first time Kirsten and I could really just take off on our own and experience life together on the open road. I waited awhile to tell my mother about our plan to take off for the summer. Knowing her, she would have her motherly reservations and concerns. Mind you, I am the last of five kids in my family and so my mother is extra invested in me as I am her favourite, but I was going whether she liked it or not. It was the road trip I've been wanting to take my entire life and who better to go with than the love of my life. So, sorry Mom - but consider those apron strings cut!

Okay, this is the part where my wife totally stepped out of character and really blew my mind. The time had come for us to get packed up for our road trip. We had packed Kirsten's Camry and we were set to take off the next morning. It would be a full day driving and we had to get to the ferry terminal in time. Kirsten's mother had flown out to Edmonton the day before we plan to take off. This might get me into a little bit of trouble, but my wife and her mother are VERY similar. They also have that Mother-Daughter relationship that can only be described as bitter-sweet. It amuses me quite a bit. It wasn't long before orders were being made words were being exchanged (lovingly - of course) and then Kirsten turned to me and the next few words she said to me almost floored me. She looked at me  square in the eyes and asked, "I don't know if I can handle staying here tonight, would you be opposed to us leaving tonight?" It was nearly 10:30 PM and the thought of sneaking off into the night never crossed my mind until then. Was she serious? She was! Before you knew it, it was 11:00 PM and we were sitting in an empty parking lot in Edmonton making our first road trip video as a send off before we hit the highway. I was ecstatic! I have driven late a night quite a few times before, but never have I pulled an all nighter. I was so game and ready to start the rest of my life with my crazy spontaneously incredible wife to be.

That summer turned out to be one of the most memorable adventures of my life. I have done some pretty cool things, but that road trip marked the beginning of the best summer of my life. There were ups and downs, but Kirsten and I grew to love each other so much more leading up to our wedding.

I learned a lot that summer and had a blast. I wouldn't trade that adventure for anything. We did so much and made the best memories. I couldn't have asked for a better start to our lives.

And now that the summer is about to begin, I can't help but wonder what adventures we will get ourselves into this year. ;)

Long live the Summer!

Daddy-O  
   

The Husband Letters: Reflection #2

My mother doesn't believe in having favourites.

For me, there was always something comforting about having a favourite of something. I would nag my mother constantly as a kid, demanding to know what her favourite colour was or what her favourite animal was. She insisted that she couldn't pick a favourite colour because it was too hard to pick just one when she loved them all, and my mother wasn't one for animals anyway so picking one was quite literally impossible. I get my indecisiveness from her obviously.

To this day, I still have no clue what her favourite anything is, but I make a point of picking. It has become harder to choose favourites the older and more indecisive I get. However, I still pick and share it with whoever will listen. I am also known to change my answers with time too. However, there are a few days that I know will never change as my favourite days of all time (or at least the past 29 years.

December 18, 2007
January 19, 2013
August 23, 2014
July 30, 2016
*Just to name a few. Dang indecisiveness

If you were to ask my wife, she would be able to pin down why I picked these days in a heart beat. She is sharp as a tack and honestly the best person for me... she is most definitely my person.

Let's go with July 30th, 2016 for today's reflection.

This day marks the birth of our baby girl. A day we felt would never come. Not because the pregnancy felt long, but because we were not sure if we would be able to have children of our own. Yes, I am doing it. I am talking about the elephant in the room - Infertility. Now, as these are the Husband Letters, I must admit that infertility may be one of the hardest things a man and husband would ever have to encounter. Nowhere close as difficult for your wife, not by a long shot mind you. Still, it is hard in the way that there is nothing you can do. Yes, you can get checked and be tested to see if the problem is on his end, but that is nothing... I mean absolutely nothing compared to what my wife had to endure. Yes, I was relieved to learn that it wasn't me. However, it also left a pit of sickness in my stomach, because that meant it had something to do with my wife. As we learned, the tests she had to go through were painful, intrusive, and numerous to say the least. I tried my best to be at every appointment she had. Between being a new teacher and juggling doctor appointments, getting time off was a very tricky task. A lot of personal days, but it was 100% worth it and I would do it all again if I had too. Words of the Wise, for any couple that may be going through similar experiences, and this is for you Mister, BE THERE FOR HER. It killed me knowing that she was going in for an appointment and I wouldn't be there to hold her hand or offer my hand for squeezing when she needed. The worst feeling in the world is feeling useless, and as the man in the mix of it, being useless is pretty much the only way you can describe it.

Our first year and a half of marriage and trying to start a family from the get go was some of the best and worst times. I know that is said a lot, the first year is a doozie, but there is no way to prepare yourself for it until you do it. I know many couples try living together first for years and years to 'test the waters'. Nah, that doesn't do much. Anyone can live with a roommate, but it takes time and sacrifice to make a marriage work. That is something that co-living can't exactly touch. So no, it wasn't easy. It was hard learning to be married and learning share everything (easier for me, than her in my case - I love you, Dear). However, there is so much you learn about someone when you are married and trying for a family that you will never learn during dating/courting. My wife and I dated for almost a year before we got engaged, and then after the engagement, we were married almost eight months later. For some, what we did may seem insane. Who gets married after a year and half of knowing someone. For us, that was not the case. In our culture and religion, dating for a year was a sign that marriage was not a good idea, When you wait too long to make the next big step, is marriage really something that you want? That really infuriated us because we were ready to be married. We proved them wrong. Yes, things have not always been easy, but I wouldn't trade it in for anything, We learned to love and trust each other as we grew together in our marriage.

So when we learned that we were pregnant after the long stretch of tests and examinations, we were so hyped. Our daughter's due date was scheduled for August, but due to wild annon-stop gall bladder attacks during the pregnancy, my wife was induced at the end of July and our daughter was born a day later. I will spare you the details, but I will share this. The second she was born and met her mother and was getting weighed and measured I went over to the bassinet she was placed in and like clock work, my daughter grabbed on to my finger and I knew my life would never be the same. She won me over and I treasure her everyday. She brings so much good, love, and light into my life and I would do anything for her, For I am weak and she just under a year old now. Besides, how can you not love someone who looks like you and calls you Dadadada. Insta-love!

Have I told you how amazing my wife is? After everything was said and done at the hospital she turned to me and said she would do it all again.  Now that is incredible. She is truly my hero.

Happy Days Ahead,

Daddy-O

The Husband Letters: Reflection #1

Hello You,

So I had a great idea to write a daily blog based on my life and all the things I recall or remember so far in it. I have seen and done so many things that I feel are quite significant, and I am constantly reminded that I need to keep a record of these things in case I forget it and so my posterity can see how weird I am. 

So I told my wife what I was doing and she kindly and clearly reminded me that we already had a family blog. So... I will be putting my two cents here. I will call it The Husband Letters: These are my memories... these are my stories. 

I am a simple man living a simple life the best way my simple mind knows how. I am also a man of many titles: son, brother, and teacher to name a few. However, the titles I treasure most are Father and Husband. Two titles I strive my best to wear with honour and dignity.

I sit here tonight, the evening of my 29th birthday, reflecting on how I got to where I am. That, however, is not so simple to explain.

I have always loved stories, specifically fictional stories. My reasoning varies day to day, but I think I would have to say that I just have a romanticised imagination with the impossible or unreal. The reality was so drab and depressing, so I dreamt of the unimaginable hoping that someday it would become reality. Dreaming is dangerous. It also doesn't get me anywhere, only into a lot of trouble usually.

Then someone told me something that really altered my perception of stories. The best stories that are told are based on events that you have actually experienced. The reality of the experience is what gives it life. It's our imaginations that make our realities take flight though. There is nothing wrong with a little white lie or twist to give it some zest, but it's the emotion felt that pumps the heart of the story and gives it breath.

In other words... non-fiction, with a splash of creativity, can be just as terrifying or brilliant as any made up story could ever be. There are no new ideas, just the same ideas retold in different ways. The truth is multi-dimensional, it just depends on what angle it's being examined from.

This is my angle...

Everything happens for a reason. Meeting the woman who would later be my wife for the first time is a perfect example of this. We met in a small college community in the middle of Alberta, Canada. One of the most memorable days of my life. Life changing too. But this day was long in the making... this story starts a few months before our first date. This day was a precursor to a different day. A day that consisted of a group of acquaintances, a round table, some smooth talking, and a game of Apples to Apples. This led to the exchange of phone numbers and a few weeks of texting and messaging.

Dating sucks. At first, it can be fun and exciting even nerve-wracking, but by this point, it was getting tedious, and the more I dated the more I realised how bad I am at it. However, it is the inevitable obstacle all must tackle in order to find that one person. My person.

So, tonnes of texts messages later, a Halloween dance, and a concert date that didn't end with those much-needed sparks. I was left at square one, again. Well, sort of. Ending a date, on the LRT, with the phrase "I think you should meet my roommate, you guys would have a lot in common" is sort of the last thing you would want to hear. You would think. In my case, it was the best thing.

Said roommate, upon learning of this weekend date, quickly took to social media to question me about... well, me. She just wanted to make sure I wasn't a psycho. Who could blame her? I wish I had such a good friend that would interrogate those I liked to verify their credibility. Her intensity and curiosity were amusing and I couldn't help but love her drive for life and her unfiltered outlook on everything. I was also interested to see how much we really did have in common. I have to admit that being told I would have a lot in common with someone makes me very sceptical. It is usually a line that girls use to let down their date easily when they realise that they had not found their person. The easy out. Oddly, my date...  was right. Her roommate and I had enough in common for us to go on our first date. It took some coaxing for me, but it happened. Dinner and a Movie - the cookie cutter date, I know. But it was perfect for us. So much so that knew I had to see her again. And I did! Fast-forward four and a half years and here we are. Married and in love with a nine-month-old girl who is easily the pride and joy of our lives.

It's amazing how things turn out. It is also scary at times; I have no problem admitting that. The purpose of this blog is act as a journal of sorts of my perspective of my life story. It is also so that I can have a close to, if not, a perfect record of the events that happened between then and now, and maybe if you're lucky the stories that made me before all this even happened. I also want my daughter and any future children to be able to read and understand why their Dad is the way he is. I truly believe that all the little things that happen in life shape who we are today.

So here I am.
The Husband Letters.
Happy Birthday, Me!

Ready or Not,

Daddy-O.

9 Months Old

Little Miss is 9 Months Old!  

I know Loo, it's hard for us to believe too.

Lucy loves Moana (so much that mommy and daddy can quote the entire movie), crawling and Walter.  Her favourite food is whatever mommy or daddy is about to eat and she's starting to pull herself up using anything handy.  Her new found love of crawling, moving and generally getting into everything has caused a few bumps and bruises but she's a trooper.  She says dada, yes (mommy says so optimistically) and has more sass than she knows what to do with.  We love this sweet, sweet, little girl.  

When April Fools Stops Being Funny

I remember laying on the table trying to fight back tears as my vulnerabilities were peeled, poked and prodded open.  The lead apron they placed on my chest was heavy and I couldn't hold Mike's hand because he wasn't allowed in the room.  While nurses, the x-ray technician and my specialist talked I had no idea what was going on in the room or my body.  My doctor pointed at the live x-ray image saying things like "isn't this interesting?" or "we'll need another test."  The more he talked the less I wanted to look at the screen.  Instead, I started counting ceiling tiles trying desperately not to show how much pain I was in or how terrified it was while I prayed to feel at peace with whatever happened.

By this point, it shouldn't be a secret that Mike and I struggled with infertility.  If you didn't - surprise! It took monthly blood tests, an HSG, a hysteroscopy, Clomid and a miracle to conceive Lucy Elise.  Along the way Mike and I fought, struggled to balance our spiritual equilibrium because we were incapable of fulfilling the desire to bring spirit children of our Heavenly Father into the world.  Family is such a central focus of our faith, and it was devasting to constantly be reminded of what seemed like something we might never get. I cried myself to sleep at least a few times a week.

There were pregnancy announcements and April Fools jokes where couples would announce that they were pregnant and then later in the day post an April Fools disclaimer: just kidding.  After one April Fools joke, I cried for 4 days and was incapable of going to school or doing anything.  Not Disney Princess pretty crying; angry crying where I questioned how someone could be so cruel just for the sake of a couple awkward Facebook laughs and a mirage of likes and comments.  I also had a few choice words for the guy upstairs if you know what I mean.

Also - you know how fun it is?  Yeah, not so much fun when you have to time everything or insist that it happens on a certain day.

Despite how open we were about our struggle with infertility, I held one of the diagnoses private. Partly out of a self-appointed responsibility to protect and partly because of shame.  As a teenager and young adult, I felt such strong shame and unworthiness, but I got really good at hiding it.

During all of the tests to figure out why we weren't able to conceive and how to fix it, we learnt a lot.  Firstly, I wasn't ovulating consistently.  Secondly, I had scar tissue in my uterus that made it difficult for fertilised eggs to implant.  My doctor was baffled by how I had scar tissue when I'd never had surgery...or been stabbed or shot or any matter of trauma to his knowledge.  Bodies are confusing even to trained professionals.

In a follow-up appointment, I got to attend solo I was caught off guard by a question my doctor asked

casually as he was typing up another requisition for yet another blood test to make sure the current dose of Clomid was doing something.  Meanwhile, Bach blared from his laptop (don't ask, he had a thing for playing classical music 24/7). It went something like this, "Have you, to your knowledge been a victim of sexual abuse or assault."  My response was to blink rapidly and swallow.  Yet, he waited for an actual answer.

"Yes."

Saying it out loud was strange - foreign to me.  I didn't go into specifics with my doctor - he didn't ask.  He just wanted to know where the scar tissue came from.  The physical evidence of my emotional story is what mattered to him and helped him get closer to solving my infertility puzzle.

The blunt truth?

A close family member molested me when I was a little girl.  I've long since forgiven him for what he did, even before I understood or knew the medical repercussions it would later inflict.  Because it happened when I was so little and my mom did everything in her power to make sure I got counselling and support, I was able to forget.

By the time I hit my mid teens I started to remember.  Along with my new found memories was a deep rooted shame that tarnished my self-perception.  Somehow, I was broken, unwhole and unclean.  The youth that I grew up with seemed to be brighter, more spiritual and more virtuous.  So, I threw myself into seminary, talks at church, leadership opportunities at church and was outspoken about my goal to go to the Temple to receive my Endowments.  I got really good at hiding how spiritually corroded I felt inside.

The physical puzzle piece my specialist cared about led to a diagosis.  In short, it caused damage that has greatly decreased the chances of us conceiving children without medical intervention.  Our sweet blessing, Lucy Elise, was our miracle.

Infertility touches approximately 1 in 8 couples, yet no story is the same.  I thought a long time about whether or not I should share mine.  For us, infertility isn't something we went through in order to welcome the biggest blessing in our lives, but something we live with every day.  Infertility can be lonely to those going through it and foreign to those on the outside.  Like most trials in life, you feel as though no one knows what you're going through or the pain it is causing.

I am so grateful to know how much my Heavenly Father loves me and that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I am truly never alone.  It took me a long time to fully grasp just how far reaching it is.  It has allowed me to slowly peel away and clean the emotional corrosion of my abuse.

I don't know if we'll be able to have more children, but I am slowly (very slowly guys, I'm more stubborn than a mule and I'm a Type A planner who would prefer things to go my way) learning that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my little family.  Regardless of what you're going through, peace can be found through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I know, because I have been blessed to feel it even in the saddest moments of my life.  The Plan of Happiness is simply that - a pathway in which we can find and experience everlasting joy.

We have such an amazing opportunity to be the hands of Christ in others' lives.  We can bear one another's burdens and lift those that feel as though they have wandered out of reach.  If you're struggling with infertility - it's not something to be ashamed about.  Reach out. If you're a victim of sexual assault or abuse, it wasn't your fault.  You are stronger than you realise and have the capacity to love and be loved; you deserve to be too.

I was once accused of having a special little snowflake mind for speaking out about my struggle with infertility, but I've come to take that as a compliment.  I mean...have you seen snowflakes?  Each of them has intricate, unique designs.  They have the capacity to change the environment where they fall; bringing a crisp, clean fresh slate for everyone to enjoy.

In a world of dirty slush, be the fiercest snowflake the world (aka the frozen tundra of Alberta which I call home) has ever seen and remember that you are a child of your Heavenly Father, lovingly and painstakingly made.