#metoo

Over the past couple of weeks, my newsfeeds have been filled with victims of sexual assault and harassment speaking out against their perpetrator.  Accompanying these posts are always comments that question "why now" or "they should've known better" or "they get paid enough to deal with this."  The list goes on.  You know what I'm talking about.  Click on the comments of any post addressing this story and you'll find yourself falling down a rabbit hole varying from blatant denial to heartwrenching empathy and similar personal experiences. 

I applaud these women.  Sexual assault is heartwrenching and soul-crushing.  If allowed, it can obliterate your self-confidence and identity.  Even writing these words fails to adequately describe the mental, emotional and yes, even physical pain it causes even years after the assault.  

There is a pervasive feeling of shame that attaches itself to memories of sexual abuse, assault and even harassment born from a rape culture that automatically holds victims accountable that needs to stop.  At 16, I felt responsible for an assault that occurred before I was even understood what sexual assault was.  

The way we talk about sexual assault and harassment matters.

Somehow, because this happened I felt less worthy, tarnished and somehow unfit to be or do anything.  On top of all of this, there is an attitude that if you are sexually abused, you will become a sexual abuser.  I've even had a friend voice her concern over allowing her children to play with cousins who she knew were sexually abused because she was concerned that they would turn around and abuse her kids. 

And we wonder why only 33% of sexual abuse and assault victims come forward.

Proving that "it" happened is emotionally, physically and mentally draining and more often than not has long-lasting harmful effects.  There is a risk of facing your abuser in court, only to lose.  In fact, only 2% of rapists serve a day in prison. There is a fear of speaking about your assault and naming the perpetrator because you could technically be sued for defamation.  There is a guilt associated with being the person to speak up about what happened and be a catalyst to potentially ripping a family apart.  There is a heart-wrenching realization that you may never get your version of justice because you remembered what happened too late because of the statute of limitations. 

Your personal experience of assault and healing becomes a fable whose moral is all the things you should've done differently to prevent being sexually assaulted.

When you are a survivor of sexual assault, it feels as though you are caged in by society; to be seen and not heard, and brought out only as a warning to other women.  Your personal experience of assault and healing becomes a fable whose moral is all the things you should've done differently to prevent being sexually assaulted. How we talk about sexual assault matters.  

Recovering from sexual assault can take a lifetime.  It can be physically painful and there are emotional and mental repercussions.  Victims of sexual assault face mental health challenges of depression, anxiety, PTSD, personality disruptions, attachment disruptions, addiction, and triggers. That's just a general list.  Speaking as a sexual assault survivor —I don't need your judgment or false assumptions.  I need understanding, love and compassion.  Save your disgust, indignation and negative feelings for my abuser and the societal disease that's made victim blaming okay and protecting abusers an accepted norm.  

We can do better.

When I tell you I was so brutally sexually assaulted as a child that it's resulted in scar tissue that hinders my ability to conceive and carry healthy pregnancies to term, believe me.  When you see me struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and triggers, love me.  When you learn that I am a survivor of sexual abuse, don't assume that I'll turn around and sexually abuse your children.  Learn to give sexual assault survivors the same benefit of doubt society gives abusers and surround them with love, compassion, and freedom to share their story without judgment.  

I want to create a better world for my daughter.  For her sake, and for the sake of the little girls and boys everywhere — We can do better.  We know there's a problem. If the #metoo campaign did anything it made it blatantly obvious.  Change takes time, but for now, might I suggest we show love to others regardless of who they are or what they've been through.  May we show our children the value of compassion, respect and that no means no.  Most importantly, teach our children that it is more than just okay to tell someone if something isn't right and not be fearful to do so. 
References:

1. Child sexual abuse statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6143427/k.38C5/Child_Sexual_Abuse_Statistics.htm
2. Child sexual abuse statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics
3. Reporting rates. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://rainn.org/statistics/criminal-justice-system